THE KNIGHTS!

Auditions are now complete, and a completely new and refreshed band of knights take up their place at the Dodecohedronal Table. Well at least there are eight new knights anyway, and joining us original knights who still remain as well as our new Honorary Knights, we should just about fit snuggly around the Dodecohedronal Table!

The Eight new knights are as follows...

Fearless: Deadly Maiden. (and a very gay one by her own admittance!)
Our Fearless the deadly maiden is well equipt with 'The Handcuffs of Hell', for the purpose of capture and punishment by way of torture! The deadly maiden states that one should (almost) never gain personal pleasure from these instruments, however, as she is my 'other half' I am currently working on getting her to reconsider. As her charger she has the 'Foxy Ferrari', apparently classy, sleek, sexy, sporty and guaranteed to get to the Fair One at the speed of light! Fearless also has gaydar, psychic powers and the ability to walk on water which I'm sure should come in very handy! She is also drop dead gorgeous.

Limpalot of Larkhall (a slightly disabled court jester)
Limpalot has been an aspiring Knight of the Dodecohedronal Table for some time now, who's contributions have been greatly appreciated. Now that there are spaces however, Limpalot has been able to take up her rightful seat at the interestingly shaped piece of furniture. Although slightly injured due to falling off ye old step machine at ye gym, Limpalot's 'Juggling batons of fire' would strike fear into the hearts of any opposition, especially as he can't juggle. Along with her unicycle and ability to laugh in the face of adversity (ie, Claire King's nomination for best actress above the Fair one), and also his plate spinning abilities, Limpalot will be a valued memer of the team!

Darth (a maiden)
Darth is one of our more modern/futuristic knights. She is armed with a light sabre, and I'm told is quite handy with it. For transport Darth has a pod racer which was acquired from one Luke Skywalker, useful when time is of the essence. If need be, she can apparently kill people using just her mind, which could be pretty fun if it's not too messy!

Maximus Sillius the 2nd.
Otherwise known as Sillius Phillius the Third, our fourth new Knight is a mouthful whichever name she goes under. Armed with one small but deadly peanut and carried by The Chariot of Rice Cakes, Sillius is a force to be reckoned with. She also has the incredible ability to see through shaky plots, and so has been kept incredibly busy over the course of Bad Girls series three.

Ally(baba): Deadly Maiden.
Ally(baba) is another deadly maiden to add to our group. She is armed with a peashooter, as aparently her parents wouldn't let her have anything else. Travelling on a flying bed however, is a definate advantage for Ally who is always refreshed and ready to fight when arriving at a battle, although falling out of bed can be problematic. Or even fatal. The fourty thieves who generally follow Ally could also be a useful asset to the knights!

Wizardlaura
Wizardlaura, so amusingly named by her little bro's confusion at a television programme has as her weapon a bottle; which as we all know can be incredibly deadly in the wrong hands. Her incredible ability to teleport means that a charger is not needed, and she has also no need to use public transport, and we all know what the rail system is like these days! Very useful in getting out of tight spots!

Feral Sherryl: The Nomad Hippie from the garden.
Feral Sherryl lives wild and is wild! For protection and attack she has detachable dreadlocks which turn into whips and also a laser gun belly button ring! (*gasp!*). Coupled with the fact that her charger is a penny farthing, Feral should be particularly deadly. Over many years of living in the bush she has also learnt a certain sweet talking charm which will be well utilised in negatiations and discussions, but hopefully not Ugandan ones.

Penguintus: Rock hopper knight, defender of the moat, master fisher knight
Penguintus has joined the knights with experience; being a former member of 'The Knights Who Go Nip'. Following the assumption due to the name of the now disbanded group, Penguintus has as his weapon his beak, which can deliver a very nasty nip. He doesn't have a charger as such, however can hop long distances and belly slide if the conditions are right. He can also swallow fish whole, which may not sound deadly but is incredibly impressive and can serve as distraction so the other knights can attack while the enemy are engrossed and making 'Ooh' and 'Ahh' type sounds.

These are the original knights listings for the first wave of the Knights of the Dodecohedronal Table. Unfortunately some have been kidnapped, seriously injured in the course of our great quests, or simply wandered off. There are some here who are still present however, and any one of the absent knights still retains his/her place at the Dodecohedronal Table, although they may have to share an edge.

Professor Arthur Peroxidus Pendragon the Questionable:
Leader of the Knights of the Dodecohedronal Table when he can be arsed to get out of Bed. Armed with the Hair of birightness- so yellow it blinds all when revealed- and the sword Excablier- Excaliber's twin, which has the power to control space, time, and evil neighbours (possibly). Also comes with bottle opener attachment which enables him to open all known containers of alchoholic beverages in in under two seconds. Carries the Trowel of Power-when activated this summons Gnomes to fight alongside him. (Gnomes armed with aforementioned Rakes of Malevolence and the Fishing Rods of Doom). Rides a heroic Hamster called Spitfire, who happens to be 6-foot tall and has sharpened teeth.

Gawain F'Kurself:
A fair Maid armed with Mr.Pointy, a sword that turns anything into dust, and who rides Ethelred the Eveready Duracell-powered bunny, complete with fitted saddle and indoor swimming pool. Special ability: can say Ni in 42 different languages. Also seemingly sadistic to innocent villagers (and who can blame her? Anyway, every famous band of warriors has one that's a psycho!)

Ajax the First:
Carries the Legendary Phone of Persuasion-it looks like a mobile phone but has the ability to change anyones mind who it is aimed at. Used primarily to influence Shed plotlines. Rides a giant winged Domestos bottle which breathes a revolting floral essence onto all enemies. Hates Tony Blair, loves desperate Maidens.

Lord Monstrous of Round:
Armed with a brainscrambler, which, when fired, makes the victim blubber and devote their attention to repeating "Nikki" over and over again. It is called MINDF*UCK. Possibly a Rocky Horror fan? Rides a shrimp, called Shrimp. Quite how this incredible feat is acheived is unclear. Hates Maggie Thatcher. Specialises in insulting peasants and suffering extreme sexual frustration.

Morgan Le Gay
This innocuous maid is the proud owner of one of the Groups most powerful magic artefacts- "The Magic Blonde Wig". This wig transforms the wearer into a blonde version of themselves (no shit ... !) but without the distressing side effects of my hair. In addition it confuses both friends and enemies alike, so much so they fail to recognise the wearer even though it is patently obvious who they are. Rides Rocinante. Lucky Rocinante.

Fair (red)Maiden:
Armed with Shrubberies. Special power: extremely choosy who rescues her. Only rich female knights need apply. Says Ni a lot. Has an ulterior motive on this quest-she's looking for her mates. Fair enough! Ace joint roller.

The Magician formerly known as Merlin, now called Cexcil the Splendiforous:
An extremely powerful Magician who joins our band out of a rabid passion for The Fair One. He has many arcane powers at his disposal, including skills as diverse as telling the difference between Red Arrows and Dragons, being able to turn himself into a duck in order to confuse the enemy, and moaning whenever shown a picture of the Fair One. Armed with many magic weapons, such as an endless supply of Worzels records, and a hand held Bizz-blaster ("get's enemies whiter than white and kills them too.."). Secret weapon: Socks of Putrefaction (they've passed into infamous legend!). Rides a strange italian chariot called Blackpunto. Vanishes in a cloud of beer-smelling evilness.

Loaf the III of Bredville:
A most noble Lord who joins our cause in order to prove her undying love for the Fair One (and bred).Carries the Warburtonator; a cannon that shoots flaming lumps of bred. This also turns into a "big fuck-off kitchen knife" and a hoover. Ooo-err ..... Secondary weapon is a bum- scratcher. Rides Thunderbird loaf, in the cargo bay she keeps a fully functioning Bakery.

Sir Justus Goodasany:
Our chief arms supplier and armour provider, comes with own spear and sword. Bearer of Harry, the psychic sword, which has the incredible power of being able to chop the hands off anyone even thinking about writing good characters out of dramas. Has a small button on the hilt which makes it say 'Shit Happens' whenever you get the urge to chop hands off. Her mount: She's big and brown and will tolerate Harry being waved manically around her ears. And she's called Shady Lady... maybe a valuable asset to the team. Then again... Has a comprehensive knowledge of Monty Python, so that's good enough for me...

Sir M dee Valbarfly:
This knight is second only to Cexcil in his devotion to support any cause in the name of the Fair One. Carries the fabled "Sunglasses of Joy" which can see through women's clothing. Not much use as a weapon, but a lot of fun. Rides Thor, horse of Thunder. Honest.

Sir Cookalot:
This mysterious figure comes to us with little information-what we do know is that, like so many of you, she hates the living dead (Maggie again), carries the weapon Magimix (so many things you can do with it ... !) and rides Shergar. Shergar? SHE STOLE IT!!! In addition, when threatened she reacts with extreme violence. Excellente!

Sir Anorak de Gay Lass:
Our final knights comes to us at the very eve of our first quest. She carries the fabled Explosive Crayola (different colours and sizes) that can cause slight red mark if thrown with force at short range, and if captured take internally for a cowards death. (*rotflmha+lo*). Furthermore she carries the ultimate deterrent to Undead-a Blade video. Oooo ..... She rides the trusty TrikeCycleTops, a handy, stable, bicycle with 3 horns complete with plastic tipper for picking up fair maidens (horns can come in handy for those lonely Knights).Machine gun mounted adapted for Crayons (effective range 5 feet with the wind behind you). Tank full of Vodka and Umbongo to quench thirst. Fluffy dice and a sticker: Burp... I do it after every meal .

We now have a special section for honorary knights, for those people who have had the Knights status awarded for "Services to the Fair One". If you know of anyone who you think might qualify for this amazing accolade, send us an email!

Helnik: Our very first honorary Knight of the Dodecohedronal Table! Otherwise known as 'simonelahbibnet', Helnik has been sworn in for herservices to the Fair One through dedication to web site building and maintenance. For her mighty weapon she is sticking to the good old sword, sleek and shiny I have no doubt! (Although Sir Justus' Harry says that he will not be outdone on the 'Shiiiiing' factor, we shall have to wait and see...). Charger to this gallant Knight is the very versatile 'Notfussed'. With the ability to adapt to almost any situation it will no doubt help Helnik on her quest for the Fair One, however she travels.