Chapter Four

As The Prof. flung the shutters to the windows of the sleeping quarters open each knight awoke and leaped out of bed. This had not happened for, well, it had never happened. The knights always took their time getting up, as they were quite lazy at heart. The knights all rushed to get washed and dressed and scrambled down for breakfast at the dodecahedronal table. They quickly found that they didn't have any of their favourite cereals such as Coco Pops as they never had breakfast. Loaf and Sir Cookalot yet again came to the rescue with freshly baked loaves of bread and various fillings.

After they had all eaten The Prof. instructed the group to start getting their animals and transport devices ready as 'time waits for no knight'. They did as they were told and went outside to put the finishing touches on the various weapons.

Within an hour they were all outside and sitting on/in their chosen mode of transport. The Prof. decided to do a checklist of everything and so stood in front of the great line of armed knights. 'Right, here's the checklist.' Before he could begin cries of, 'we can't hear you' were heard coming from the back of the line.

'Well move yourselves round so that you are all next to each other rather than behind, you twats!' The Prof. was getting annoyed by now and his temper was starting to wear a little thin. The knights at the back of the line all moved so that they were all next to each other and all could see the impatient Prof. 'Right where was I? Oh yes, the checklist. Lets start with the weapons.' The Prof. proceeded in calling out a long list of weapons that he held in his hand on a scrap piece of paper.
'Mr. Pointy,
Phone of Persuasion,
Mind f*ck
Magic Blonde Wig
Shrubbery's
Bizz-blaster
Warburtonator
Harry The Psychic Sword
Sunglasses of Joy
Magimix
Explosive Crayola
Hair of Brightness
Trowel of Power'

After the last two were called out there was no acknowledgement of any kind that these items were present. 'OK who's got the Hair of Brightness and the Trowel of Power?' All of the knights looked to the ground. 'Oh yeah, they're mine, whoops.' 'Right', said The Prof. 'Looks like everything's present and correct.'

'Oh for f**ks sake! Let's stop faffing around and get on with it!' Gewain F'Kurself was starting to get restless and eager for action.

'Ok ok, let's just go. But first I want to say a few words. This is the day we've all been waiting for, the day that we will hopefully fulfil our destiny, this is the day!' The Prof. raised his sword skyward again as he concluded another of his heartfelt motivating speeches. The other knights weren't really taking much interest as they were all too excited, instead they were brushing their hair and putting the finishing touches to their already perfect make-up. The Prof. saw his efforts were in vein so he gave up and mounted Spitfire, his hamster. It was 6 feet tall but it had a retractable staircase that folded down on command. The Prof. had made this ingenious alteration himself and he was very proud of it. 'We shall meet up just outside the gates of Larkhall and break in together, see you there.'

With that all of the knights moved off from their position and sped off in the direction of HMP Larkhall. Gewain F'Kurself rode Ethelred the Eveready Duracell-powered bunny and joined Sir Cookalot on Shergar, Cexcil in an Italian chariot called BlackPunto and Morgan Le Gay on Lucky Rocinante. Sir Justus Goodasany on Shady Lady accompanied Sir M dee Valbarfly on Thor the horse of thunder. They happily galloped along the countryside singing anything and everything they could think of, including their own special version of 'Bob The Builder'. Loaf rode Thunderbird Loaf and joined Shit Happens in the skies on her giant winged Domestos bottle. The Red maiden took a lift from Sir Anorak on her TrikeCycleTops as she didn't seem to have her own transportation. Her story was that it was stolen by the elvesor pixies that live in the wood. Hmm, a likely story.

Within half an hour the last of the knights arrived just outside Larkhall. It was about 10.30 am according to the Prof, he used to be a boy scout and so used the suns' position to determine the time. All of the knights tied up their animals and other devices as planned and huddled around the Prof. 'So here we are.' The Prof. started. 'This is it, peeps, this is the time we've all been waiting for. We know the plan, let's go save the Fair One!'

Sir Justus Goodasany took her cue and went off in search of the trailers belonging to Shed productions that were surely in the prison grounds, somewhere. She was going to get revenge for those abominable scripts.

The knights dispersed and started the short walk to Larkhall's outer gates. Once there The Prof. took the lead and used his Hair of Brightness to disable the unsuspecting guard. He dropped to the floor with his hands covering his burning eyes. No one had ever seen such a brightness, it was like a thousand suns each burning a hole through his delicate eyes. 'Whoops, it's set on semi-permanent blindness, I only meant to have it on shock. Oh well, he'll be alright in about a week or so.' The knights continued to the car park, they marched in silence past Helen's car and found the spot where they were to knock the wall down. Loaf and Gewain F'Kurself took their places in silence and blew the wall down with their weapons the Warburtonator and Mr. Pointy. After the dust from the plastering had settled a large rounded shape hole could be seen. On the other side the kitchens lay as there were cookers and work surfaces scattered about the large white tiled room. The best bit of all was that no one was around, lunch preparation had not yet started and most of the inmates and screws were busy in the visiting rooms.

The Prof used his Trowel Of Power to summon the nearby gnomes to help. Little squeaks were heard as they came armed with Rakes of Malevolence and Fishing rods of doom. The vertically challenged men followed the Prof religiously, and kept close to his side. The Hair of Brightness came in handy once again as the knights encountered the first batch of screws when exiting the kitchen. They were instantly blinded and fell to the floor after bumping into doors that they couldn't see.

After wading their way through numerous screws as they put up a pitiful resistance the knights arrived at the entrance to G-Wing. Shit Happens knew what to do and pointed the antenna of her Phone of Persuasion at the guard on duty.

'Open the gate please and take us to Nikki Wade's cell. Once there you will unlock it.' Shit Happens was enjoying this power immensely. She walked with him followed by the rest of the knights up to G2 and along the landing to the Fair One's cell. Once there the cold heavy green door was unlocked and a very surprised tall dark inmate lay on her bunk starring. 'Go back downstairs and lock any other PO's in the office.' He went downstairs and did as he was told immediately.

'Who the hell are you?' The Fair one asked. 'Oh god, you're not the new ones from Holloway are you?' The knights that were in sight of the fair one through the small doorway stood speechless. She was even more beautiful in the flesh than on the TV. Her dark eyes twinkled in the light and made the knights' heart melt in a pool of drool. She sat on her bunk wearing a lilac top with something white underneath, she held an open book in one hand and used the other to lean on to hold herself up.

The Prof. barged his way through and went into the small cell. 'We're not new inmates, no. We're The Knight's of the Dodecahedronal Table.'

'The what?'

'Don't ask, we haven't got time, all you need to know is that we're on your side and we're rescuing you. Just come with us and we'll explain later.' The Fair didn't dare to argue as she was intrigued as to who these strange, slightly eccentric people were. She ascended, put her book down and walked towards the knights in the doorway.

'Well are we going or not?!'

'Yes, of course, sorry.' The Prof stammered out. 'It's just that, well, us knights have dreamt of this day for so long, and now it is finally here it's all a bit of a shock.'

'If it's a shock to you it's sure as hell is a shock to me. It's not everyday that a prisoner gets their own band of merry men bursting through the walls of a prison to break her out.'

'No, I suppose it's not. Well anyway, we have plenty of time for chat later, now we have to get out of here.' The Prof. signalled to the rest of the knights to move out of the doorway so he and the fair One could get through. They obliged and were proudly lead by Gewain F'Kurself that held a large home-made spear up in front of herself as she crept in a military fashion along the landing. The knights encountered some more screws in G1 but neutralised the threat immediately. They were not killed of course, the knights were not murderers, they were heroes that used mild acts violence in their quest for justice. The knights merely wounded their enemies to "teach" them a lesson and to ensure that they did not cross their path again, or indeed come within a mile or so of them.

The eleven knights with the Fair One in tow retraced their steps back to the kitchen. It was only when they had all entered the large room that they noticed Shell standing by one of the sinks. 'What the f**k?!' Shell couldn't quite believe her eyes, it was Nikki Wade, her arch-enemy being broken out of prison. When she had entered the room she had noticed the large car size hole in the wall but assumed that some kind of renovation work was being done. This was not a stupid idea, and Shell wasn't a stupid person, she was just logically challenged.

'Oh hi, Shell, I'm just off on holiday for a while, don't worry I'll send you a postcard!' The Fair one teased Shell and the evidence of her enjoyment was sprawled out over her beautiful features. Lord Monstrous Of Round came forward and asked the Prof for permission to do the honours. The Prof gave it and Lord Monstrous fired the Brainsrambler at Shell who was left repeating the word Nikki continuously. After a few giggles from the knights at the sight of Shell standing repeating the same wonderful word over and over they knew they had to leave Larkhall and get the Fair One to the safety of the great castle.

Once out of the stone walls of the prison the Fair One took a deep breath in which was watched in detail by the love-sick knights. They then ran the few metres through the car park and out of the open gate.

The knights reached their hiding place for the animals and saw a very smug looking Sir Justus Goodasany. 'Greetings fellow knights, I have succeeded in my task. I found the secret location of Shed Productions and I stole the scripts and let Mr Pointy here," she held the sword up admiring it endlessly, "do the rest. I think we'll find no more traitorous plot-lines coming from them in a while.'

'Well done' the knights shouted in unison. The Fair One walked up to her and gave her a huge hug. Sir Justus blushed and muttered something that sounded like 'thanks'.

'Right, time to be off methinks.' The Prof was getting nervous about the time and how long it would take for back up to arrive. They were surely going to go after the escapee and it would be worse weapons than little black baseball style bats that they would be carrying. 'You can ride with me if you like, on Spitfire.' The Prof suggested. The knights all wanted the Fair One to travel with them but respected the Prof's authority and let it go. All of the knights mounted their contraptions and started the start-up procedure, if there was one. The Fair one mounted Spitfire and held The Prof round the waist in fear of falling of.

'You sure, this thing's safe?' She asked. Spitfire was highly offended by this and squealed so loud it forced all of the knights to cover their ears.

'Oh that's just great, now the screws definitely know where we are.' The Prof looked round and saw a large group of armed policemen approaching their position too quickly for comfort. 'Screws at 1 o clock. Tine to go back to the castle pronto!' The knights all took to the air and roads with about ten policemen in hot pursuit.

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